If you looking to prove that you are misunderstood, on the right track with the wrong people, or just plain right when everyone else is wrong, then you’re wasting your time as well as mine.

But if you are willing to try a new approach, hear that you need to make some adjustments and work to keep getting better, then you are in the right place.

The weakest leaders and speakers I know are the ones who aren’t willing to admit they are wrong.

Stop looking for validation, and you’ll be free to do the work to keep getting better.

If you had been sitting there at the Toastmasters District 22 Conference in Joplin, Missouri…

“Don’t overdo it.” – Craig Valentine

Okay!

Sunday we had Craig Valentine for a 2-hour mini-coaching session on storytelling. There isn’t enough pure unadulterated awesomeness in the English language to help you understand what you missed. But I’ll try…

(Actually, these are my notes)

Why use the stage?
- make a point
- transition – structure your speech
- best: the action in your story prompts you movements on stage
- timeline
Make everything clarify your message, not confuse it
Don’t overdo it – subtle 

Don’t tell … Ask
Most people don’t want to be most people
If you want to know when to say “you and I” or “you and me”, remove the “you and” from the sentence and see which one makes sense

Coached Arlen
Leave your embarrassment in the lobby
Be more subtle in your vocal changes (character voices)

Curiosity – tease them before you tell them
- tap, tease and transport … 
  – Tap “what’s the number one thing standing between most people and their dreams?”
  – Tease – elicited answers and told the audience they were wrong
  – Transport – put them in the scene – Check the VAKS

If all of the questions are answered, your story is over. Even if you keep talking.

Circumstances - 

Characters – Just a few facts 

Coached Heather
Maybe change “perfect family” question
“Have you ever” felt there was a barrier to 
Figure out your foundational phrase – your tap should tie into their takeaway

First check in – 10:05 – these are things the audience took from the first hour:
Timeline on the stage
How to measure a pause (inner voice exercise)
Tap tease and transport
Don’t speak like I write- i.e. “get over here” she said
Don’t speak to impress, speak to inspire
Don’t tell…ask
Speaking is not a monolog , it’s a dialog
Check the VAKS

Conflict
when you introduce your character, throw them into the conflict
Conflict is the hook
Conflict invites them to solve the problem
Establish the conflict as early as possible 
Conflict – titanic hits the iceberg
Escalation – water raises in the titanic 

Come up with two or three events or conversations that escalate the conflict
Escalate until “the battle at boiling point”
Then comes the cure – with the guru – never be the guru of your own story
Be similar, not special
Put the process, not the person on the pedestal 

Ed – Better voices for better choices

Change 
After the cure, how did that cure change you?
What’s the delta

Credibility – who has more credibility about your story than you
Connection - 

We all have different stories, but we all have the same emotions – David Brooks

Conversations and dialog
Never add humor, uncover it
Use dialog – humor is in the reactions
It’s the look before and after the line that makes the line
The need to hear it just how you heard it
Always put the conflict before the cure

Last discuss and debrief – 11:10
What you pick up in the cure, you hand them out the door
Don’t re-tell it, re-live it
DC – be under the influence of your own emotions 
The cure can’t be in the title
If it’s too emotional, rehearse until you can give it without getting visibly emotional
Cliche – have them fill in the blanks
Most people don’t want to be most people

Awesome!

This morning, Craig Valentine opened the Toastmasters District 22 conference in Joplin, Missouri with Getting Remarkable Results in Leadeship and Life.

As always Craig Valentine inspired!

Some of the tidbits:

Never seen a positive leader with a negative team.

What you are speaks so loudly I can’t hear what you say. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

No neutral people. There either on the way or in the way.

Be driven by your vision, or you’ll be driven by someone else’s.

When we make excuses for someone, we invite them to never change.

I’ve been waiting a long time to see Craig here in District 22. As always, he delivered!

Craig Rocks!

If you set aside time for reading, learning, Toastmasters or anything like that, remember to also set aside time to “do”.

Learning is great, but doing pays the bills…

While this may feel a bit obvious, I’ve seen many speaker break one or both of these rules and suffer as a result.

Note: Comedians are an exception, since many have the ability to pull off “stupid”. By the way, I mean professional comedians, not you.

The trick for speakers here is that it’s all relative to your audience. Remember, they decide what is interesting and what is stupid.

Don’t confuse “on stage” to mean only a physical stage in front of a large audience. “On stage” can include a job interview, talking to your kid, training some coworkers, or even taking on a leadership role.

No matter what “on stage” means for you, both the question and the correct answer are the same. If you are there for yourself, you’re doomed from the start.

No matter what the role, your first question should be, “how can I best serve my audience?”

Start there and you’ll never be received as a selfish speaker.

Have you ever noticed how the best leaders – you know, the ones you really respect – tend to also be great communicators? Would you like get unstuck? If so, read ahead to learn the correlation, and learn how you can make one change and see greater success in both your speaking and leadership skills.

Think about the three successive key areas to being a successful speaker:

Know Your Self
Know Your Message
Know Your Audience

Both speaking and leadership follow similar development tracks here, but if you aren’t focused on your audience, you may be stuck and not even know it.

Know Your Self

Nearly every new speaker has started out uncomfortable in front of their audience. Practice is critical here to be able to Know Your Self. In Toastmasters, the Competent Communicator (CC) manual helps here, as you develop presentations to practice specific skills.

A new leader will suffer from similar uneasiness. Not being sure of your authority, how others will perceive you and how you’ll react to adversity can make the transition to (or through) leadership difficult. In Toastmasters, understanding and following the core values can be a big help in Knowing Your Self. Respect, Integrity, Service, and Excellence (RISE) are values you can use to center your leadership and move to the next phase.

Know Your Message

As a speaker, this is where you find your voice, determine what you have to offer, and tell your stories. It may take some time to find your niche, but when you do you’ll see your value in the faces of your audience as you guide, teach or inspire them to act.

As a leader, you’ll see some similarities developing – guide, teach and inspire are also aspects of leadership. As a leader, your voice – your story – will be partially dictated by your organization. Whether you follow the corporate path, or your own, you need to understand what your message is if you can hope to deliver it.

This, unfortunately, is the phase where both speakers and leaders get stuck.

Why? Because they don’t know their audience. In fact, they probably have been trained (or learned on-the-job) to ignore the “noise” and plow ahead with the facts.

Oddly enough, most leaders stuck here (speakers too!) feel that they are doing the right thing, and by not allowing distraction they are more effective. They tend to suffer from “good enough” syndrome. “Why change if it’s working?” – Because it isn’t really working. You’re just getting by for now.

Know Your Audience

This is the most powerful lesson in Speaking and in Leadership. Powerful because of just how much you get, and how much your audience benefits from the change.

It’s also very risky, which is why many avoid this technique. It means you have to accept criticism. You have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to defend yourself with more than, “because I’m in charge!!” If you can’t handle those aspects, it will be a tough change. But…worth it.

Connection – by understanding your audience and the differences between what you know and what they need, you can tailor you style to make sure you communicate effectively, and truly lead them instead of just telling them what to do.

I had a troop once who would be late to work once in a while, and just barely on-time other days. I had to ask, “What does on-time mean to you?” She replied, “If I’m in the building by 7:30, I’m okay, right?”

Even the sharpest of people can’t read your mind. If you see a difference between what you asked for and what they did,  you probably didn’t connect. Listen to your audience and adapt your message.

Authority – When I’ve taught leadership seminars, I’ve used the tried-and-true example of earned vs. implied authority I learned in the Air Force.

Implied authority is what we’re mostly used to. Your authority comes from your position, i.e. Director, Sergeant, Project Lead, etc. Implied authority comes before you even meet your audience, much less know them. It’ll get you off the ground with the team, but leaders who live off of implied authority lack the true respect of their people, and are usually less effective.

Earned authority is what you want to strive for as you know your audience. Show respect to get respect. Care. Listen. Train. Explain. Understand. Basically, all the stuff you wish your boss did.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you create a democracy with your team. You’re still the boss, and accountability rests with you. But, if you do it right you should never have to remind your team that you are the boss.

Respect – You have to give respect to get respect. What does that mean? It means you take the high road. You never “Reply to All” to tell someone they messed up. You do reply to all to congratulate someone on a big win. You show (real) appreciation and give your team a chance to give you their recommendations before you make the final decision. Even if you go your own way, they’ll respect that you considered their opinion. Take time to explain your decisions – not to satisfy critics – to train your people on the methods to make the right decisions themselves.

I’ve found that 90% of the time, the excuse, “I don’t have time to explain” is a cop-out. Make the time for respect, or they won’t either.

Excitement – You can’t create energy, excitement or excellence by just droning on. Get them involved. In speaking, include exercises and interaction. As a leader do the same off the stage. Have a team lunch once in a while, do non-work things with them and give your team opportunities to lead their own projects and watch the energy change.

This will seem odd, but knowing your mission can lead to excitement. What? No, not reading the mission statement to them. I mean making sure they know their role in the team’s (or company’s) mission. When they know that they matter to the mission and to you, they’ll be more likely to respond to adversity with a positive attitude. When they feel the work has no value, then they feel that they have no value. Where is the fun in that?

You may find that you’ve done well with improving in the phases of Know Your Self and Know Your Message. But you still are struggling with your results, you may need to take another look at the skill Know Your Audience. As you practice these skills in both speaking and leading, you’ll see the complimentary improvements in both as you progress.

The most respected leaders in the world have at least one thing in common: They know their audience. If you’re stuck in the rut of leadership, it’s time to get out now!

Ever observed a situation where two people were discussing a topic, but you couldn’t tell if they agreed or disagreed? Or how about two people talking while one gives the “deer in the headlights” look?

How often do we communicate strictly from our own point of view, without worrying if the receiver(s) of our message is even understanding us?

Stephen Covey’s 5th Habit of Highly Effective People is, “Seek First to Understand,
Then to Be Understood” I don’t know about you, but I think that this may just be one of the toughest things on Earth to do. I imagine childbirth is more difficult, but I’ll have to take your word for it on that one.

Why is it hard? Well, it takes work and for many people doesn’t come naturally. As a speaker are you forgetting that this applies to you as much on the stage as it does in one-to-one communications?

Do you take time to understand your audience before you ask them to understand you?

Do you also take the time to be sure what you’re going to say fits in their parameters?

Know your Audience – Speaking to retirees is different than speaking to youth is different than speaking to a corporate audience is different than speaking to non-profit volunteers is different than speaking to parents is different than speaking to … you get the idea.

Language – including vocabulary, cleanliness and amount of humor needs to fit
References – B&W Television may not even make sense to anyone under 30, and how many retirees are using twitter and foursquare?
Interaction –  attention spans differ, so adding (or removing) some activities will be necessary
Delivery – vocals, body language, using the room and energy all depend on the audience

Customize your Message – You know your subject. Now take that knowledge and combine it with what you know about your audience and your venue (i.e. location and time).

Do you have limited space? Maybe you tell your stories in a more compact space.
A larger audience? Larger body language and longer pauses.
Mostly teens/men/women/etc.? Know what’s funny and most importantly what isn’t!

If you want to avoid that “dear in the headlights” look from your audience (like the one from your spouse), take the time to know your audience and your venue and then adjust your presentation. Whether your audience is 1000 or just your daughter, speaking to them on terms they understand will give you the best chance of being understood.

Bad news – “Before I begin…” was, well, before…you…began…

That’s right, once your introduction is complete, everything you say is counted against your time. If your boss asked you to provide 1-2 minutes on a project, if you start with, “Before I begin, I just want to thank my team and…” you have used time in the 1-2 minutes she gave you.

That is, if you spend one minute with “before I begin” and two minutes about the topic, you’ve used 3 minutes of your boss’s time.

The same is true for stage speaking, and Toastmasters. Note: in Toastmasters some timers will erroneously allow “before I begin” to delay starting your clock. If you notice, the clock on the wall is still running…

So what’s the point?

1. Respect your audience. Everything you say is part of everything you say. Don’t pretend you get “bonus time” just by uttering a few magic words. You’re still using their time.

2. Be prepared. If you have “before I begin” remarks, then you’ll need to shorten your other content to stay on time. In some cases, you may be able to ask the introducer to include some informations in the introduction for you.

3. Get help. If you need to have handouts or special instructions, talk to someone in advance about getting the materials out or the instructions to the introducer.

Once you’ve taken the stage, you’re on the clock. Ask for help when you need it, be prepared and show that you respect your audience’s time. There is no phantom time, so before I conclude I just want to say, “Use the real time you have wisely.”

1. Know your venue – Prior to the event, Kathy made sure to visit some local places the audiences would recognize. That allowed her to form a connection with the audience by tapping into their own experiences. Kathy referenced a few things, including her visit to a local donut shop and it’s unique menu items. As a speaker, you probably don’t need to look throughout the city for ideas, but getting to know the company or group you’re speaking to can allow you to connect through either humor or other anecdotes.

2. Know your audience – Kathy has a rather specific audience. She knows her audience and what appeals to them. What’s more, she acknowledges those that don’t fit into that group (with a comedic twist, of course). Your audience may or may not be more diverse. Either way, it’s important to know who will benefit from (or enjoy) your material. Kathy’s style works for her audience. If she were to decide to change styles (i.e. stop picking on other celebrities, start preaching, etc.) she would likely bomb, and lose that audience. The same applies for your audiences. Your material needs to fill the needs of your audience. If it doesn’t, you bomb too.

3. Freshen up your material – Kathy included some of her best material, which has continually worked on her shows and her tours. Then, to keep it fresh, she included topics (behind the scenes dirt) from the recent Grammy and Emmy Awards shows, as well as the CNN New Year’s Eve special with Anderson Cooper (which is what I watched on New Year’s Eve). Like many speakers, you probably have a catalog of anecdotes that you use successfully to make your points. Incorporating stories from recent events (even as in the first point above) can keep your program fresh and allow you to strengthen your connection with your audience. Also, doing so will allow you to keep recurring audiences (like fans, or training contracts with a company) interested and coming back for more.

You may not be a comedian, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn some valuable lessons from some of the best out there. Seeing Kathy perform in real life was a blast. But even if you don’t find her funny, you can still learn from her example. If you familiarize yourself with your venue, know your audience and keep your material fresh you can be great in your presentations.

Just like Kathy Griffin.