Talk to the Human™

Have you ever wondered what magic words you could use to get better customer service?

I seem to remember, in the good ole days, my Grandfather telling me about a phrase that worked really well for him. It was “I’ll just take my business elsewhere.” Is there a single company in America that would even bother to respond to something like this? I’m reminded of a Simpson’s episode a few years ago called “Flaming Moe’s” where Homer invented a new drink, and Moe (the Bartender) stole the formula and kept the profits. There is a scene where Homer is saying “You just lost a customer.” Moe is so busy serving Flaming Moe drinks, and the crowd is so noisy that Moe can’t even hear him. After Homer repeats it a few times with no effect, he just leaves in disgust.

I’ve seen a lot of use of ”I’m going to tell on you.” This in the sense that if I’m unhappy with your product or service and you don’t remedy the situation, I’ll tell two friends and they will tell two friends (and so on). I’m starting to think this is becoming our generation’s “good ole days” story line. I’ve been keeping up with Alan Weiss’ blog, Contrarian Consulting. He had an issue with Saks Fifth Avenue in New York a while back. In this thread, he talks about not getting much help (he does point out a specific bright spot in the service too) and posts it for the world to see. It’s an understatement to call Alan’s work a well-read blog. A few days later, he posted an update, including a reference to a direct e-mail he sent to the company with no results. Today, he posted another follow-up about a reader who works there who left him a message that has proven difficult to return. If a well known author and general big-whig like Alan can’t get improved service (or even a reasonable response) with the “tell on you” model, how far can you or I get?

Maybe the new mantra is “I’m going to tell on your competition.” Instead of announcing where the deficiency is, perhaps it’s time to tell the world “Hey, I went to Macy’s. Not only were the shirts just as good as the other guys, but the staff made me feel like they were glad to see me.” Note: this is not so much a threat as it is a true course of action. You don’t say it so much to get better service, you use it once you get the service (like a tip). Case in point, there’s a guy at Dillard’s here in Wichita that aways finds me as I approach his department. He’s helpful, pleasant, and now I find myself looking for him when I go in. He’s not an isolated case there.

This leads me to some possible advice for Alan (although I’ sure he’s used this tactic as well); Now that you have pointed out the deficiencies at Saks (which made some great reading, by the way), maybe it’s time for a “Try Sears, where the salespeople care about helping you and you’ll feel so good with that Craftsman wrench in your hand that you won’t care what color your shirt is” post. It’s just a thought…

In the final analysis, maybe there are no magic words for better customer service. I think we are at a point where the best customers find the best service (as Alan did in his post) and if you don’t keep looking, you get what you accept. What does your experience tell you?

The Fourth of July is a wonderful holiday, especially for Americans. Plenty of good food, great times with the family and … uh … lots of explosives!

Recommendation: Buy it at full price! (don’t wait for the paperback)

Yes, I’m taking the day off from giving a real post. Happy 4th!!!!

On Scott Adam’s Dilbert Blog, Scott issued a challenge to write a piece of <500 words in his comment section, with the goal of creating a piece worthy of publication and the attention and adulation of the Dilbert Community.

This challenge stemmed from his post the day before, where he asked his readers if they would be willing to write a piece for the NY Times, without pay, just for the attention. I’m guessing that he doesn’t quite have the juice to get anything he wants into the NY Times (he may be great…but he’s no Oprah). With that, his challenge was to create something to be posted as a guest post on his daily blog (which is one worth reading, by the way).

You’re probably asking, “Rob, you are such a great blogger, you must have accepted the challenge, right?” Thank you for the compliment, and yes, I did write a short post. I went with the “quick and short” option instead of the “take all day to make it perfect” approach.

Rather than make you search for it in the comments (it’s very near the beginning of the comments section), I’ll repost it here. The rules were <500 words with a <50 word self pitch at the end:

Does it pay to be first?

One of my old pointy-haired bosses used to say that 90% of success is just showing up. Another one called it 80%, and I’ve even heard it quoted as high as 99%. My conclusion: 100% of success with statistics is saying it like you mean it. And oh yeah, it help to be the first one to say it.

This is especially true with advice. People remember what they hear first and what they hear last. Everything else is just 100% drivel (according to a study I may have read). That means that being first gives you a 50/50 chance of being paid attention to. Since you can’t control if you are last (without, say, hacking the blog), being first becomes even more important.

Along those same lines, have you heard the statistic on communication that says 93% is non-verbal and only 7% is what you say?  You know that study is misquoted nearly 100% of the time (so I’m told)? It was about first impressions, not communications in general. That non-verbal is obviously important in that first impression, but once they know you, your words better make sense more than 7% of the time. Otherwise you are 100% likely to be last in that persons mind.

And even that will only last until the next yahoo speaks up…

Read Rob’s blog at www.talktothehuman.com. There is good stuff there; I’m 100% sure!

Not perfect, but maybe Dilbert worthy. If you agree, go to the comments section and vote it up for me.

Editor’s note: Dilbert is a copyrighted comic strip written by Scott Adams that shows the humorous side of working in the cubicle world.

I clipped Dilbert’s daily comic strip from my birthday in October and had it on my cubicle wall at work. In that strip (you can read it and come back), Dilbert is looking for approval on a new project, and the answer from the pointy-haired boss says “We agreed on a predecisional draft framework for making the decision”. When I showed this to a couple of friends at work, it caused a bit of discussion about how that type of language makes it’s way into those comics, and we pondered how we could use similar language in future meetings to liven up our own workcenter.

We came up with a postcomical draft framework for some other seventh-sigma-quality phraseology for use in the workplace, both ours and yours:

post pre-meeting discussion
version 2.0 of our predecisional draft framework
Static Predecisional Dashboard
Dynamic Predecisional Dashboard

Here are some examples of their use:

Have you ever had a pre-meeting to discuss something before the meeting? It was suggested that we plan (or not!) a post pre-meeting discussion to agree on the predecisional framework. Of course, this discussion being post (i.e. after) the pre-meeting would imply that it’s between the pre-meeting and the actual meeting. Here’s the beauty: this could happen before or after that meeting, or better yet before the main pre-meeting that finalizes some of the efforts you couldn’t resolve in the first pre-meeting and don’t want to waste time on in the actual meeting.

Version 2.0 of our predecisional draft framework would be one if the products of either the post pre-meeting discussion, from the final pre-meeting, or most likely from the MS Outlook tentative meeting attendance replies that include useful responses such as “already triple booked” and “how do I direct dial from Ecuador?”

The Static Predecisional Dashboard would be a graphic representation displayed on the monitor of your computer, a sheet of paper or an Etch-a-Sketch to show where management is in the process of approving your project. The Predecisional Status would always show “green” (since the draft framework is obviously in place). The Project Approval Status would show “in work” until project closure (when you wad up the dashboard page and burn it).  Finally, the Next Update would read “Waiting on post pre-meeting discussion approval of the next release candidate of version 2.0 of the draft framework”.

The Dynamic Predecisional Dashboard is on hold pending project approval. For regular updates, check the Static Predecisional Dashboard for the Dynamic Predecisional Dashboard Project that is hanging up over my bosses second (unplugged…shhh) 24-inch wide-screen monitor.

Scott, if you read this please feel free to use any of this in your comics. Beetle Bailey and Ziggy will need permission from the author…

After lunch today, my friends and I received our fortune cookies and each opened them up to see our fortunes (and, you know, eat the cookie).

With the mass-produced nature of the fortune cookie being so well known (Santa and the Tooth Fairy are, of course, still believable), it’s tough to get my hopes up for a real fortune. And don’t get me started on the lotto numbers on the back.

This specific batch of fortunes was, in my opinion, especially disappointing. Bear with me while I share them with you.

You will obtain your goal if you maintain your course. Naturally vague, and I understand that, but I’m not even sure it’s a fortune so much as a mantra. Let’s try it and see…”I shall obtain my goal if I maintain my course…I shall obtain my goal if I maintain my course…I shall obtain my goal if I maintain my course” Do you feel it? It could work, I suppose.

Now is a good time to call a loved one at a distance from you. Aren’t we at a point in human history where the translations can be much closer to 100% English? I mean, I live about 12 miles from the geographic center of the U.S. No matter where you come from, you have to travel through a maximum amount of English-speakingness to get to Kansas. Plus, “Now is a good time to call a distant loved one” would use less ink. Bonus fun fact: not so much a fortune as a guilt trip.

Time makes one wise. Ask advice from someone older than you. Seriously? Do 14 year-olds even read their fortune cookie fortunes? Maybe this one is a bit of a fortune, if you consider it in my future that I will one day need advice. Unfortunately, it’s about as profound as “Breathe, for the air is across the Earth”.

You will always be surrounded by true friends. At least this one had the air of fortune-ism about it. And it allowed for me to deliver a humorous, “Hey look, your fortune has already come true” (you had to be there). Of course, will it always be true? hmmm.

It’s sad how unimportant quality has become in the fortune cookie industry. If the quality continues to deteriorate, I may have to give up on opening those cookies up at all.

In fact, I don’t accept what passes for a fortune these days. It makes me wonder if anyone in the fortune cookie industry even cares about my future anymore? In our always-on, instant-access, have-everything-now culture, maybe they’re filling a niche I never knew was there. Maybe we don’t want to hear our futures, but just something positive about our present lives.

How long until those retailers and marketing heros come up with a way to transition those lame fortunes into even more lame $$$ worth of advertising?

I’m actually surprised that McDonald’s hasn’t capitalized on this by offering fortune cookies as a desert option with a fortune inside that says You will save 25 cents on your next value meal, if you surround yourself with more friends.  

And why limit it to food? Verizon could have your BlackBerry spit out a fortune that says You will earn 5 free text messages if you call a loved one who in the next 20 minutes is distant.

Google may be missing a huge goldmine here: Click here for your fortune – Google makes one wise. Search for advice from one older than Bing.

Of course, a Franklin Covey fortune cookie might cost $24.95, but your fortune could include a valuable tip for reaching your potential using one of the 7 Habits, You will obtain success if you maintain your True North™ course.

You heard it here first. The question is, which retailing giant will be the first one to implement my idea? With the current trend and the fortune I tell for the fortune cookie industry, can we truly be surprised at anything we read? Is anything we read believable anymore?