This evening I attended a writer’s group at a local Barnes & Noble. Don’t die of shock. Yes, I was at a Barnes & Noble today.

What is a writer’s group? In this case, it’s a diverse group of people (tonight 14 strong) who come together twice a month to discuss their writing and provide one another support and useful critiques about their stories.

This evening, I heard a grandfather’s story about his young granddaughter staying over, a teen’s fictitious island off the coast of Greece and a scene from a novel about 8th Century Europe.

All were well told stories, and made me wonder whether or not this group was right for me. After all, my genre is non-fiction. Maybe I didn’t stay long enough to hear from the others.

What I did hear was the dialog between many of the writers in the group. Everyone in the group was given equal opportunity to read their work, and the group provided useful (I thought) feedback in the post-reading conversations.

Back to the title question, “Do you need a writer’s group?”

Can you answer yes to these questions?
1. Are you a writer? (when asked tonight, I asnwered, “I think so”)
2. Do you want actual people to read what you write?
3. Can you handle some constructive feedback?

If so, then maybe a writer’s group is for you. Try one. And if you’re in Kansas City on the 2nd and 4th Mondays, maybe this writer’s group is for you.

For me, I just bought and set up a new site that I plan to launch by 1 June. My next “if I had time” task is to create 3 videos, one as a promo for the site, one as the initial lesson for folks that sign up and also the second lesson.

Take that next item on your list and figure out how to chop it down and get it done.

Tonight I’m writing the script for the promo video.

What is your next step? Go!

If you looking to prove that you are misunderstood, on the right track with the wrong people, or just plain right when everyone else is wrong, then you’re wasting your time as well as mine.

But if you are willing to try a new approach, hear that you need to make some adjustments and work to keep getting better, then you are in the right place.

The weakest leaders and speakers I know are the ones who aren’t willing to admit they are wrong.

Stop looking for validation, and you’ll be free to do the work to keep getting better.

About 200-300 people filled a local church to here Willie speak on attitude. Specifically, Willie talked about the need to take on an Attitude of Excellence. He said there were 5 simple steps. But before that, we heard 7 principles that I thought were just as important:

1. Don’t panic – remember, this to shall pass
2. Don’t buy into the gloom and doom
3. Don’t let your pride poison your prosperity. He told the story about having an MBA … a Mob and Bucket Attitude – willing to do the hard work to have success…this is not personal and it is not permanent…get over it…if its legal and moral, it’s honorable work
4. Don’t stop thinking about the power and possibilities of tomorrow…keep one eye on the problem and one on your dreams
5. Be proactive…don’t wait for your ship to come in, swim out to it. 
6. Be creative
7. Be prayful — actually number one. He saved it ’til last because he doesn’t want us to just pray and do nothing else.

The 5 simple steps?

1. Wake up and dream
2. Show up … They only lane where there isn’t any traffic is the extra mile. If you do the things others won’t do, you’ll get things that others won’t have. – Les Brown
3. Stand up – become the leader of one. Become a life long learner…read more books. Commit to one per month.
4. Step up – to the plate and swing for the fences. Go all out. The doctors can give you the diagnosis, but God gives you the prognosis.
5. Make up your mind to win.

Change is good when your attitude is great
Your best is yet to come

I looked at the clock at the top of the iPad, and noticed that in the last few minutes, Willie had been speaking for over an hour. Yeah, he was that good.

In his wrap up, he quickly ran through the steps: Wake up, Show up, Stand up, Step up and Make up…your mind to be successful. When you think about it that way, doesn’t it make sense?

Willie was awesome, and worth the side trip on my way to Joplin for the weekend. If you aren’t familiar with him, I’d say take a look at http://www.williejolley.com and see for yourself.

If you had been sitting there at the Toastmasters District 22 Conference in Joplin, Missouri…

“Don’t overdo it.” – Craig Valentine

Okay!

Sunday we had Craig Valentine for a 2-hour mini-coaching session on storytelling. There isn’t enough pure unadulterated awesomeness in the English language to help you understand what you missed. But I’ll try…

(Actually, these are my notes)

Why use the stage?
- make a point
- transition – structure your speech
- best: the action in your story prompts you movements on stage
- timeline
Make everything clarify your message, not confuse it
Don’t overdo it – subtle 

Don’t tell … Ask
Most people don’t want to be most people
If you want to know when to say “you and I” or “you and me”, remove the “you and” from the sentence and see which one makes sense

Coached Arlen
Leave your embarrassment in the lobby
Be more subtle in your vocal changes (character voices)

Curiosity – tease them before you tell them
- tap, tease and transport … 
  – Tap “what’s the number one thing standing between most people and their dreams?”
  – Tease – elicited answers and told the audience they were wrong
  – Transport – put them in the scene – Check the VAKS

If all of the questions are answered, your story is over. Even if you keep talking.

Circumstances - 

Characters – Just a few facts 

Coached Heather
Maybe change “perfect family” question
“Have you ever” felt there was a barrier to 
Figure out your foundational phrase – your tap should tie into their takeaway

First check in – 10:05 – these are things the audience took from the first hour:
Timeline on the stage
How to measure a pause (inner voice exercise)
Tap tease and transport
Don’t speak like I write- i.e. “get over here” she said
Don’t speak to impress, speak to inspire
Don’t tell…ask
Speaking is not a monolog , it’s a dialog
Check the VAKS

Conflict
when you introduce your character, throw them into the conflict
Conflict is the hook
Conflict invites them to solve the problem
Establish the conflict as early as possible 
Conflict – titanic hits the iceberg
Escalation – water raises in the titanic 

Come up with two or three events or conversations that escalate the conflict
Escalate until “the battle at boiling point”
Then comes the cure – with the guru – never be the guru of your own story
Be similar, not special
Put the process, not the person on the pedestal 

Ed – Better voices for better choices

Change 
After the cure, how did that cure change you?
What’s the delta

Credibility – who has more credibility about your story than you
Connection - 

We all have different stories, but we all have the same emotions – David Brooks

Conversations and dialog
Never add humor, uncover it
Use dialog – humor is in the reactions
It’s the look before and after the line that makes the line
The need to hear it just how you heard it
Always put the conflict before the cure

Last discuss and debrief – 11:10
What you pick up in the cure, you hand them out the door
Don’t re-tell it, re-live it
DC – be under the influence of your own emotions 
The cure can’t be in the title
If it’s too emotional, rehearse until you can give it without getting visibly emotional
Cliche – have them fill in the blanks
Most people don’t want to be most people

Awesome!

While this may feel a bit obvious, I’ve seen many speaker break one or both of these rules and suffer as a result.

Note: Comedians are an exception, since many have the ability to pull off “stupid”. By the way, I mean professional comedians, not you.

The trick for speakers here is that it’s all relative to your audience. Remember, they decide what is interesting and what is stupid.

Don’t confuse “on stage” to mean only a physical stage in front of a large audience. “On stage” can include a job interview, talking to your kid, training some coworkers, or even taking on a leadership role.

No matter what “on stage” means for you, both the question and the correct answer are the same. If you are there for yourself, you’re doomed from the start.

No matter what the role, your first question should be, “how can I best serve my audience?”

Start there and you’ll never be received as a selfish speaker.

Have you ever noticed how the best leaders – you know, the ones you really respect – tend to also be great communicators? Would you like get unstuck? If so, read ahead to learn the correlation, and learn how you can make one change and see greater success in both your speaking and leadership skills.

Think about the three successive key areas to being a successful speaker:

Know Your Self
Know Your Message
Know Your Audience

Both speaking and leadership follow similar development tracks here, but if you aren’t focused on your audience, you may be stuck and not even know it.

Know Your Self

Nearly every new speaker has started out uncomfortable in front of their audience. Practice is critical here to be able to Know Your Self. In Toastmasters, the Competent Communicator (CC) manual helps here, as you develop presentations to practice specific skills.

A new leader will suffer from similar uneasiness. Not being sure of your authority, how others will perceive you and how you’ll react to adversity can make the transition to (or through) leadership difficult. In Toastmasters, understanding and following the core values can be a big help in Knowing Your Self. Respect, Integrity, Service, and Excellence (RISE) are values you can use to center your leadership and move to the next phase.

Know Your Message

As a speaker, this is where you find your voice, determine what you have to offer, and tell your stories. It may take some time to find your niche, but when you do you’ll see your value in the faces of your audience as you guide, teach or inspire them to act.

As a leader, you’ll see some similarities developing – guide, teach and inspire are also aspects of leadership. As a leader, your voice – your story – will be partially dictated by your organization. Whether you follow the corporate path, or your own, you need to understand what your message is if you can hope to deliver it.

This, unfortunately, is the phase where both speakers and leaders get stuck.

Why? Because they don’t know their audience. In fact, they probably have been trained (or learned on-the-job) to ignore the “noise” and plow ahead with the facts.

Oddly enough, most leaders stuck here (speakers too!) feel that they are doing the right thing, and by not allowing distraction they are more effective. They tend to suffer from “good enough” syndrome. “Why change if it’s working?” – Because it isn’t really working. You’re just getting by for now.

Know Your Audience

This is the most powerful lesson in Speaking and in Leadership. Powerful because of just how much you get, and how much your audience benefits from the change.

It’s also very risky, which is why many avoid this technique. It means you have to accept criticism. You have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to defend yourself with more than, “because I’m in charge!!” If you can’t handle those aspects, it will be a tough change. But…worth it.

Connection – by understanding your audience and the differences between what you know and what they need, you can tailor you style to make sure you communicate effectively, and truly lead them instead of just telling them what to do.

I had a troop once who would be late to work once in a while, and just barely on-time other days. I had to ask, “What does on-time mean to you?” She replied, “If I’m in the building by 7:30, I’m okay, right?”

Even the sharpest of people can’t read your mind. If you see a difference between what you asked for and what they did,  you probably didn’t connect. Listen to your audience and adapt your message.

Authority – When I’ve taught leadership seminars, I’ve used the tried-and-true example of earned vs. implied authority I learned in the Air Force.

Implied authority is what we’re mostly used to. Your authority comes from your position, i.e. Director, Sergeant, Project Lead, etc. Implied authority comes before you even meet your audience, much less know them. It’ll get you off the ground with the team, but leaders who live off of implied authority lack the true respect of their people, and are usually less effective.

Earned authority is what you want to strive for as you know your audience. Show respect to get respect. Care. Listen. Train. Explain. Understand. Basically, all the stuff you wish your boss did.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you create a democracy with your team. You’re still the boss, and accountability rests with you. But, if you do it right you should never have to remind your team that you are the boss.

Respect – You have to give respect to get respect. What does that mean? It means you take the high road. You never “Reply to All” to tell someone they messed up. You do reply to all to congratulate someone on a big win. You show (real) appreciation and give your team a chance to give you their recommendations before you make the final decision. Even if you go your own way, they’ll respect that you considered their opinion. Take time to explain your decisions – not to satisfy critics – to train your people on the methods to make the right decisions themselves.

I’ve found that 90% of the time, the excuse, “I don’t have time to explain” is a cop-out. Make the time for respect, or they won’t either.

Excitement – You can’t create energy, excitement or excellence by just droning on. Get them involved. In speaking, include exercises and interaction. As a leader do the same off the stage. Have a team lunch once in a while, do non-work things with them and give your team opportunities to lead their own projects and watch the energy change.

This will seem odd, but knowing your mission can lead to excitement. What? No, not reading the mission statement to them. I mean making sure they know their role in the team’s (or company’s) mission. When they know that they matter to the mission and to you, they’ll be more likely to respond to adversity with a positive attitude. When they feel the work has no value, then they feel that they have no value. Where is the fun in that?

You may find that you’ve done well with improving in the phases of Know Your Self and Know Your Message. But you still are struggling with your results, you may need to take another look at the skill Know Your Audience. As you practice these skills in both speaking and leading, you’ll see the complimentary improvements in both as you progress.

The most respected leaders in the world have at least one thing in common: They know their audience. If you’re stuck in the rut of leadership, it’s time to get out now!

Do you want to print out this page, and just “Bang Head Here?”

What are your favorite methods for dealing with stress?

Run away - This can seem like a good idea, but where do you run to? Is there such a place as a permanent stress-free zone? If your run is just temporary, how will you deal with the stress when you return?

Shoot somebody – this may well be deserved, but it certainly fits the description of a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It’s best to avoid violence, no matter what the jack… did.

Ignore the problem – this is a very temporary solution to a less-temporary problem. A lot like running away, but without the running or the away.

Meditate – this one will help with some of the symptoms, but it can’t solve the root problem. Other common fixes in this category include yoga, running, weight training and boxing. Pick one, but there’s still more to do. Oh yeah, “Bang Head Here” works on this one too. (so does writing a blog post)

Face the problem head on –  simple, but rarely easy. The down side here is the short-term increase in stress that comes from facing the issue. However, if you get one more good night’s sleep, it could be worth it.

Of course, things like tornados, earthquakes and floods take quite a bit of time to get over, and problems with the job can too. Moron problems usually have a more direct solution available:

- Get a second opinion. Don’t gossip, but ask, “is it me?” Be prepared to find out that you are part of the problem. Maybe your friend or mentor can help you craft a solution for when you speak to the loser.

- Confront. That jerk may not know they are causing your stress. Don’t use e-mail! Be specific, non-judgmental, and solution-oriented. “What can we do different to work together?” <must…not…smack…>

- Follow through. Don’t expect one conversation with the idiot to do it. Relationships take work. Handling the main problem may solve the bulk of the problem, but you have to be watchful for flare-ups. After all, idiots are called idiots because, well, they are.

Stress sucks. Stress caused by idiots sucks worse. Whether you chose to run away, pray, or just “Bang Head Here”, you won’t get through it without understanding and confronting the problem.

Good luck with that…

<banging head noise is not simulated>

Rory’s concept of “Taking the Stairs” is all about finding success. Rory likes to say, ” Success means doing things you don’t want to do.” He uses the comparison of taking the stairs vs. the escalator as a metaphor for choosing the more difficult path now to yield the better life in the long term.

This is not about fitness, it’s about success in every aspect of your life. Rory used some great personal examples and stories in his presentation. Many were also in the book, including other interesting and inspirational tales.

He started by discussing how pervasive procrastination can be in our lives (“we live in a ProcrastiNATION”). This probably isn’t news to you. But when he provided some eye-opening, and specific, figures on what the cost can be in the workplace (on Page 11 of the book) that grabbed the audiences attention.

He broke down procrastination into 3 areas, classic, creative avoidance, and priority dilution. These are from the third principle – The Magnification Principle of Focus:

Classic – Consciously delaying what you should be doing (who hasn’t been there?)
Creative Avoidance – Unconsciously filling the day with menial work in order to be busy being busy – also called distraction
Priority Dilution – (un)consciously delaying by allowing your attention to shift to less important tasks – also called interruption

He told us that “Attention Span isn’t as important as Intention Span.” Sometimes we have to remember that, as his mother told him, “enjoying it is not a requirement of doing it.”

He went on to talk about 3 of the other 6 principles in the book:

1. The Paradox Principle – Rory discussed how taking the easy route in the short term (i.e. the escalator) led to long term difficulty. More importantly, he provided examples of how short term difficulty (i.e. the stairs) can lead to long-term ease.

2. The Buy-In Principle of Commitment – the most important aspect was how we need to shift our attitude from asking, “Should I?” to “How will I?”

6. The Perspective Principle of Faith – Rory gave a powerful story of how one seemingly negative event in history actually led to him being where he is today, which I won’t ruin for you since it is also in the book.

His other points: Integrity, Schedule and Action have similarly well-written stories. If you’re a fan of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, you’ll find many of the principles to be similar.

What I like about Rory’s take is that it isn’t quite so business-centric as Covey, and as a speaker I can identify with his stories and experiences. He puts his points into words many people can identify with. ”Success is never owned; it is rented – and the rent is due every day.”

I also liked his definition of intellectual dishonesty (page 115) – Allowing someone to believe something you know to be not true. I’ve heard it referred to as “a lie of omission”, but I think “intellectual dishonesty” crystalizes the concept better.

Even if you aren’t ready to change your whole life and blow by the escalators, you can use just one or two principles here and see results. He’s still touring, so if you can see him in person, that would be ideal. If not,  pick this book up on-line or at the store and read it today.

Rob’s Rating system (bolded, the rating is)
Buy now at full price (although it’s already discounted on-line)
Buy if you get a discount
Wait for the paperback
Wait for someone else to be done with the paperback
If you’ve read my review, you got the gist of it

Editors note: I first met Rory in 2009, and consider him to be a friend. That being said, I recommend the book not for that reason, but because it was worth recommending.

Also: Here is my 2009 review of his first book, No Laughs to Know Laughs.